I wish I can accept rejection with more grace and humility, but I haven't learned that yet. I write on this, knowing that some people read it, forcing myself to choose my words carefully. If I write in my private journal, you can be sure it would be expletive-filled and tinged with rage, which doesn't get me anywhere I want to be in terms of dealing with things.

   Being friend-dumped is hard. Harder than being boy-dumped. You always kind of know with boy-dumped why it's happening. There's a formal process or maybe that big fight. It hurts. You play some music. You get over it.

   Friend-dumped, I don't even know where to start. It's funny to me, thinking about the things I say about other people, and wondering if someone who knows me will laugh and think, why is she so surprised this happened? Lack of self-awareness, etc. Alright, so I'm unaware and that's why I'm so hurt and confused right now why someone that was very close to me blocked me on gchat. I sent her a confrontation email, which she hasn't responded to. That's fine, I'll take it. I'm bad at being mature myself, so why expect the same from her. I could be accepting. I could take this as an opportunity to be a better friend and be more mindful of myself and others. Too bad I didn't. I let the hurt build into a rage, crescendo into the worst kind of spite and blocked both her and her bf on facebook. Real mature, I know.

   So now I'm filled with guilt, embarrasment (for myself), and rejection. A trifecta of unsavory emotions. I hate this defense mechanism that kicks in whenever I feel rejected. I immediately jump to, who are you to reject me? rather than brush it off as fundamental differences or even better, try to figure out how to be a better friend. I'm going to grow up; this is just stepping stone in that direction.

I ate too much.
I laughed too hard.
I danced too long.
I'm up too late.

And that's exactly how I want to remember this night.